You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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