The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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