apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
