watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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