Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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