I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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