Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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