I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
