New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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