I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
