i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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