You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
