Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
