I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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