New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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