Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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