Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
