i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize