My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
