I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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