A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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