I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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