There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
