Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
