My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
