One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
