how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize