I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
