Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize