Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
