When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
