I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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