I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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