Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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