I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize