the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
