He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
