I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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