dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
