WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
