I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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