I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
