i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
