I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize