I seem to have left my pride at pride
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
