His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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