this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
