Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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