I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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