college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
