just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize