Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
