i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize