You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
