i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
