Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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