I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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