I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
