I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
