I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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