ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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