we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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