Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
