I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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